So yule and Christmas just past. It was good, saw some family. Saw my cousin and her baby, haven't seen them since the baby shower last year.
Had to work on Christmas eve, but was able to get off early. My father called me and told me that he got jumped/mugged and has cancer on his eye. So we are going to go down to see him and my gmom (his mom) on Sunday.
My love bought me this gorgeous amethyst claddagh necklace. Still getting a box ready to send to him. Miss him so much.
My works holiday party is tonight, rather boring. But this beats cleaning my room though. Hope I win a prize.
I can't believe it's December already. Where did this year go? I just hope that next year will be a good year.
Might have a new job possibility soon. Just need to work on my resumé. It will be good money and benefits, the only downside is that it is far away from where I live. I hope I don't have to be there super early in the morning. So not a morning person. Now I need to buy a professional type of outfit if I get an interview.
How can teachers teach kids this crap. They shouldn't they put more effort on teaching them the correct way to do math? And they should teach them how to spell to just because a lot of things will be done on the computer in the future they still should be taught how to spell. If thwy have this whenever I have kids, I'm home schooling. Our future is going to be screwed if they don't fix it.
I went to version last week cause my phone wasn't charging and it was acting up. Since I had insurance on it I was able to get it replaced. They didn't have the phone I had so they send me a galaxy s 3 for free! I've been waning this phone for a while now. So I'm now I'm playing with it to get use to it. Now I just need to set it up to how I like it. My fiancee is glad he didn't have to pay for a new one and that I didn't either.
I'm still looking for a new job that will pay more than what I'm making now. I need to start saving money for when he comes back and for our wedding next year. I just hope he can come home next year.
The title says it all. Its hard for me to shop for myself. I use to be a size small/medium and now I let myself be a size large/extra large/extra extra large (depending on the cut) and wear size 14 jeans. I've changed my eating habits but see no change. Joined the gym but stopped going, going to cancel my membership.
I have always struggled with body image issues. So the image in my head of what I look like doesn't match what I see in pictures or the mirror. It makes me hate what I see. I just want both images to match.
Today I went shopping for clothes, for this coming fall. I bought two tops, one for work and one for my days off, and I also bought a new pair of jeans that fit. It was a struggle to find a top that fit in the arms or around my chest, I'm broad shouldered. This time I didn't have a breakdown. If I had thinner thighs, flatter stomach and toned arms I would feel so much better about myself. I know it won't happen over night and i need to work at it. Its just hard when you don't see or feel any results.
So, he's back at Okinawa and I feel more alone than ever. Waiting to see if I'm pregnant or not. Trying not to get ahead of myself and trick myself into thinking I am. Even though I've been having a chronic upset stomach since before he left.
Bought a pendulum and it said I was but they can be tricky. Took a test but it could be too early to tell. I'm not saying anything to my family till I know for sure and won't be telling my mother for a good while.
So this morning at 730 am my fiancee left to go back up to his parents. :( He will be going back to Japan on the 27th. Cried all morning and most of last night. Feel like my heart and soul is breaking. I know I will see him again but it doesn't help. Gonna drink tonight.
So, my boyfriend is finally coming home! A year and 9 months. Work won't give me time off so, I'll be either calling out or try to have my shift covered. Hope things turn out ok. So excited!
Deployments suck. Plain and simple. You never know what's going on over wherever they are at. You have to trust that they are being faithful and know they are trusting you to be faithful, and if you have kids they are trusting you to take care of what needs to be done.
Being a military girlfriend, boyfriend, fiance, wife, or husband is not easy. However, the reward of seeing their smile and getting to be in their arms again after being apart makes up for it. It definitely separates the girls from women and boys from men.
No matter what branch they are in or what job they have, they will most likely be deployed at some point. Being deployed doesn't always mean Iraq or Afghanistan, but it doesn't make it any easier.
The best advice I can give is to keep yourself busy and it will help keep your mind off of it for the most part. No matter what anyone says, it will never get easier. You will get use to it and become stronger, and find ways to deal with it better. There are groups you can join, pages on Facebook to ask questions.
Remember, you are not alone.
How does one become a woman in today's society? Especially when they weren't even taught how be one or shown how.
My youth was difficult. Constantly picked on in some way, father left when I was 5 and witnessed him abusing my sister and brother for years. My mother was always working to try to support us. So I never was shown what did it mean to be a woman. I never was taught how to act around guys, the proper way to act in relationships. Even hanging out at someone's house, I don't know the right way or what's considered to be the" normal" length of stay.
I always feel like I'm over doing it or acting the wrong way. Now, I'm 28 and I should know what it means to be a woman but I don't. I know they should be independent or at least to a degree, which I am not, and to have confidence and they should love themselves. Which I don't. I have no confidence and I don't love myself. Hard to love yourself when you were put down a lot and still are.
I don't know how to cook a lot of different type of meals. I know some but not a lot. It would help if I had the money to buy food besides quick lunches for work.
Hopefully someday soon I will know what it means to be a woman before it is too late.
So, I've been going to the gym about every other day. Feeling pretty good, a little sore but that's to be expected. I now do 4 miles on the bike in about 17.40 mins every time and a mile on the treadmill when I'm done everything.
So proud of my self for keeping it up. Gotta look good for my man and for my wedding next year. I just need to eat a little better/ healthier and hopefully the pounds will come off, even though I'm already seeing some improvement already.
Went to the gym and did 3 miles on the bike, a mile on the treadmill. 15 sets of spine rotations, 30 leg presses. Going to try to keep it up.
I just joined back up at planet fitness today, did 2 miles on the bike and a mile on the treadmill, plus a few sets of spine rotation, abdominal extension, and hip extensions, arm curls. Feel pretty good. Hope to keep it up.
Happy Memorial Day! Ok, its tomorrow but I'll be working. I want to thank all of the brave men and women fighting to protect this country!
I hate getting so jealous when it comes to my fiancé! Like every time a girl comments or he becomes friends with one on Fb, I get so mad. Like who is this girl commenting on his posts. If I were to ask, he will say its someone he works with and then ask why am I getting so jealous and stuff.
He has never done anything to cause this feeling. He has never cheated on me or anything. I wish I could stop.
So I've been working at home depot for over a year now. Not a bad company to work, I mean yeah there are things I wish were better but overall not a bad company. The people I work with keep it fun and interesting.
Recently, for a few months they have been cutting my hours down to like around 25/week. So, obviously my paychecks were are the low end sometimes. I had to put a note on the desk of the person who does the scheduling, requesting more hours. I wasn't sure if they were going to but they did and approved my request to have a Saturday off. If you've ever been to the hone depot on a Saturday during the spring time, it is a mad house. So, for me to have off is shocking.
So I hope I will be getting bigger paychecks from now on. I don't have many bills, live at home so no rent. I just pay for my cell and car insurance, then there's gas about every week or so plus food for my lunches.
I am planning on joining planet fitness next week, trying to get in shape for my sailor. I need to lose like around 60 pounds. I'm hoping to lose it or maybe slightly more by next summer cause I know that won't happen this year, though I would like to but trying to be realistic. Wish me luck.
So I was just told last night that we are going to wait till next year to get married on Halloween instead of August. Little upset about it only cause I want to marry him now. However, we originally wanted to do on Halloween.
Now he's telling me that hes going to try to get an early out of the military. Don't know how to react to that. Where will he go after he gets out, what job will he have? I love this man but I just don't know what we are going to do. So right now I'm just going to plan our wedding and go from there.
No matter where I'm at or whom I'm with, I always end up feeling like I did in high school. I'm not good enough or pretty enough. Plus I still picture myself as my old size which is like about 75 pounds lighter. I just can't seem to lose the weight. I quit drinking soda and I don't eat out. It's making me sink deeper into my depression. I hate it.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there! Especially to those military wives, you do your "job" and then some! We salute you!
Trying to find a job that pays well and will give me hours is tough. Where I live most jobs are either retail/sales or restaurant unless you have a degree for something. Which I don't.
I have found a possible job opportunity but we will see if I will get it. It is at the community college I graduated from. Its part time but the hours and pay are great. Going to apply for it after twerking my resume up a bit.
So the other say I came home to find my room all clean, I was in the process of doing it myself but according to my mother I was taking too long. Like having a pinched nerve and hips not in alignment isn't a good enough reason. Like come on, no one should go in my room but me and those who need to do laundry (I live in the basement, my choice. There is a full bath down there.).
Anyway, I found out that she paid my sister to do it. She doesn't know how I want my room set up to be or what can and can not be thrown away. So, yeah I'm beyond pissed. I can't wait to get away from these people. I'm either neglected or ridiculed, or abused in some way or another. If I could I would move out and not talk to anyone. If I talked to my sister it would only be because of her kids that's it.
I'm done being in this family!
So, I've been dating my sailor, fox, for over two years now. We met online when I was 12 in a chatroom on mtv.com. We met in person in 2003. Best and worse night of my life.
Right now, he's stationed in Japan for at least 2 years. This summer we are going to get married, if they approve his leave. He's been away for a year and a half. We talk on Facebook and on Voxer but its not the same. The navy knows his situation, not being able to take leave before going there, but they keep dicking him around.
I'm still indecisive about either having a courthouse wedding or maybe have it at my sisters house. Still waiting for his input. Though I kind of leaning towards my sisters house though. Just hope we get the approval soon.
Being a military gf/fiancé/wife is tough. You're majority on your own, more so if you don't live together. If you're married, you can usually follow him. However, there are some restrictions if he gets stationed overseas. Like, he will have to pay out of pocket for you to fly over and things like that. Though when he comes home it is the BEST feeling in the world. There are facebook groups that can help and are understanding, which has helped me.
The distance is one of the worse, cause of time zones and that they won't be here for holidays or birthdays a lot, and if you have kids be prepared to be both roles and basically be a single parent sometimes.
So after I graduated high school, I took a year off from school so I could relax. Which wasn't a great idea once I started college. My home life was still about the same, only my sister didn't live there anymore. My brother would still hit me and everything but he also started stealing money from me. I would try everything I could think of to hide my money but he would still find it. I believe he stole about a grand or so but since I have no proof besides money missing I couldn't do anything about.
When I moved out in 2007 to be with my then boyfriend, I realized that I need to do more house cleaning than just the basics amping other things. We fought almost daily about it and then one day when he picked me up from work he dropped a bomb on me. He told me he a bought a plane ticket and was sending me home the next day. No warning, no discussions, I was being sent home. I was devastated. Worse mistake in my life moving in with him and I regret every minute of it.
Anyway, college was difficult for me simply because I wasn't the best student and I'm horrible at taking tests. I've made some friends while going there but a few stabbed me in my back. I finally graduated college with a general studies degree with a concentration of business. I want to go back to school but not sure what I want to study. I have so many interests that its been hard for me to pick. Though I have strong roots in music, I can read most sheet music except for percussion. So, I've been thinking about going for music teaching but need more information first.
So I have already talked about how I live at my mom's house. Here's is how it was like growing up for me.
I have lived in this house practically since I was born. My parents has this house built after I was born, 28 years ago. My sister is about 3 years older than me and my brother is about 18 months younger.
When I was about 5 years old, my father left my mother for his secretary who ended being a nutcase. Their divorce took years to go through. So it was just me, my mom , my sister and my brother living in a 3 bedroom single family home. It was in a nice nieghborhood with kids around the same age as us.
Growing up in the 90's was so different than it is now. We didn't have all these electronics to play with, if we were bored we would go outside and play. We would make up games, make whistles out of acorns, or if we didn't want to go outside we would read a book or watch whatever we could find on the tv. It was kind of like a simpler life compared to now. I hope to teach my kids how to live that way.
However, growing up was difficult for me. I was constantly picked on by my siblings and kids in my nieghborhood. Simply cause I was either too soft and emotional or there was nothing else to do. Usually it was just simple name calling, cry baby and things like that. However, my brother was my abuser for most of my life. He would hit, punched, spit, throw things at me. He has left bruises before but no one stopped him. Mainly cause no one could. I think a lot of it was pent up anger from dad leaving and physically abusing him, and for what ever reason I was his punching dummy for lack of a better word.
Other than that I have struggled with a body image since at least 4th or 5th grade when I started developing crushes on boys. I have always thought certain boys were cute but no real crushes. It first started when I really liked this one boy but when he saw my sister and ended up thinking she was hot, I originally laughed it off but it crushed me. Guess you could say I never got over it. My sister always had this long beautiful red hair that guys loved and I have always wished I had and later in life, she had bigger boobs than me lol. Sad but true that I was jealous. I wished I had guys looked at me the way they looked at her. Cause most guys just looked at me as "one of the guys."
News flash to guys, most girls don't like to be that, I mean yeah sure its nice to not being think of this little delicate thing that would break if she would climb a tree but we would like to be thought of as a girl too.
Anyway, when I entered high school my insecurities got worse. Every guy friend I had/liked got to see my sister and fell for the red hair and boobs. My sister hated it, I hated that I felt invisible and that no one thought I was beautiful or pretty or would give me the time of day. Most of the guys that I did date in high school were jerks and tried to use me. It was like well if I can't be with your sister than I guess I'll be with you. I have been lied to and cheated on. My sister and I were in school together for one year but all through out my high school years it was majority of what I hear. How pretty my sister is or how much they would like to date her. Every time I heard that I sunk deeper and deeper into depression and started an eating disorder, which I can say I overcame but ended up cutting instead. So obviously my high school years weren't that great and I still have issues to this day because of it.
Let me start by introducing myself, I'm 28 and I still live at home. I work at home depot but trying to find a new job or a second job, and I knit. I have an older sister (30) and a younger brother (26). I'm dating a wonderful guy named Fox, yes that is his real name ( actually its Littlefox but goes by Fox). He's native american from the seminole tribe. (So please if you read this don't make fun of his name, cause it is disrespectful and rude and highly childish.) I have graduated college with a general studies degree and have been thinking about going back but not sure what to study.
So, I live at home at my moms (parents divorced when I was younger), my mom lives here part time (she spends most nights at her boyfriend's house), my brother also lives here and his girlfriend does majority of the time. My sister has 3 kids and now a single mom trying to take care of them and her 9 dogs (she's a dog breeder). Im dating a wonderful man, who is currently in the U.S. Navy. We have been together for over 2 years now and I have known him since I was 12.
This blog will be to express my frustrations out and my view point of what ever is going on in my life. Hope you enjoy it and please no rude comments.
