Home life the early years/high school years

So I have already talked about how I live at my mom's house. Here's is how it was like growing up for me.

I have lived in this house practically since I was born. My parents has this house built after I was born, 28 years ago. My sister is about 3 years older than me and my brother is about 18 months younger.

When I was about 5 years old, my father left my mother for his secretary who ended being a nutcase. Their divorce took years to go through. So it was just me, my mom , my sister and my brother living in a 3 bedroom single family home. It was in a nice nieghborhood with kids around the same age as us.

Growing up in the 90's was so different than it is now. We didn't have all these electronics to play with, if we were bored we would go outside and play. We would make up games, make whistles out of acorns, or if we didn't want to go outside we would read a book or watch whatever we could find on the tv. It was kind of like a simpler life compared to now. I hope to teach my kids how to live that way.

However, growing up was difficult for me. I was constantly picked on by my siblings and kids in my nieghborhood. Simply cause I was either too soft and emotional or there was nothing else to do. Usually it was just simple name calling, cry baby and things like that. However, my brother was my abuser for most of my life. He would hit, punched, spit, throw things at me. He has left bruises before but no one stopped him. Mainly cause no one could. I think a lot of it was pent up anger from dad leaving and physically abusing him, and for what ever reason I was his punching dummy for lack of a better word.

Other than that I have struggled with a body image since at least 4th or 5th grade when I started developing crushes on boys. I have always thought certain boys were cute but no real crushes. It first started when I really liked this one boy but when he saw my sister and ended up thinking she was hot, I originally laughed it off but it crushed me. Guess you could say I never got over it. My sister always had this long beautiful red hair that guys loved and I have always wished I had and later in life, she had bigger boobs than me lol. Sad but true that I was jealous. I wished I had guys looked at me the way they looked at her. Cause most guys just looked at me as "one of the guys."

News flash to guys, most girls don't like to be that, I mean yeah sure its nice to not being think of this little delicate thing that would break if she would climb a tree but we would like to be thought of as a girl too.

Anyway, when I entered high school my insecurities got worse. Every guy friend I had/liked got to see my sister and fell for the red hair and boobs. My sister hated it, I hated that I felt invisible and that no one thought I was beautiful or pretty or would give me the time of day. Most of the guys that I did date in high school were jerks and tried to use me. It was like well if I can't be with your sister than I guess I'll be with you. I have been lied to and cheated on. My sister and I were in school together for one year but all through out my high school years it was majority of what I hear. How pretty my sister is or how much they would like to date her. Every time I heard that I sunk deeper and deeper into depression and started an eating disorder, which I can say I overcame but ended up cutting instead. So obviously my high school years weren't that great and I still have issues to this day because of it.